Sunday, 28 March 2010

With malice towards one and all

Such was the title of Khushwant Singh’s column in the Illustrated Weekly of India. Both the gentleman and the magazine are perhaps unfamiliar to the “teenagers”(the list now officially includes ambulisamma and Vishal) who visit this blog. But there was a time when it was the only English magazine in India and Khushwant Singh, as its editor, was the most famous journalist. Despite the title, the column was usually humorous, although he did take pot shots at all sorts of people.

This light hearted Sunday post is in similar vein, the writer having woken up today in an impish mood.

In every country there are provincial jokes, and China is no exception. This popular tale sent me rambling off.

An alien came down to earth and landed in China. It first landed in Beijing. Immediately the people decided that it was a great political victory that must be showcased to the world as proof of the supremacy of the Communist Party and the Han race. The alien then went to Shanghai. Here the people argued as to the most effective way of making money from it; how it can be traded, showcased, etc etc. Then the alien landed at Guangzhou (my place). Here the people debated on how to cook and eat it !

Now what would happen if the alien went to various other places. Here is some wild conjecture.

The alien went to Britain. It was immediately told to curtsy to the Queen, stand a round of drinks in the local pub and asked whether it was a Manchester United or Liverpool supporter. The Sun published a topless photo of the alien in Page 3 and hinted that Naomi Campbell had already had an affair with it.

In France, the alien was told to speak in French, consume 3 bottles of wine at lunch, go on strike for half a day and take a holiday for the remainder of its stay.

In Germany the alien was asked how to curb inflation, not to support Greece, pulled up for driving at less than 200mph on the autobahn and told that it was as glamorous as Frau Merkel.

The alien went to Japan. After being photographed a million times, and reprimanded that it didn’t bow properly, the alien was bribed by all the political parties and told to visit the Yasukuni shrine. Its tongue was then cut off and eaten as sushi.

Off it went to Thailand. It was promptly captured as a slave and put to work in a go-go bar in Patpong Road. When it escaped, it was given a red shirt, told to demonstrate against the government, shut down Suvarnabhumi airport and preferably egest on the floor in the arrivals hall.

In Singapore, it was told not to chew gum, enrolled in a marriage class advising how to produce more children and caned on the back 6 times for not genuflecting in front of the Minister Mentor, or whatever he is called now.

In Dubai, it was asked to speak Malayalam. Its passport was snatched away by a Shekih and it was enlisted as a labourer building Burj II. It was then taken up and down Sheikh Zayed road at 700 mph and then deposited in a gold souk.

Off it went, to the US of A. It was denied entry for 7 hours at immigration because its Alien P2FB visa was not in order. It was then promptly sued for $ 7 trillion for causing mental anguish to the immigration officer by being an alien. The Tea Party Movement announced that its arrival was proof of the failure of Obamacare and Fox News interviewed it along with Sarah Palin.

And last of all, it came to India. It could not land in Mumbai because a certain Thackeray declared that it would not be allowed to land there as it was not a Manoos. 24 PILs were filed that the alien was a terrorist and must be deported immediately. Mayawati wanted 23.4% reservation for aliens in government jobs. A despondent alien finally made its way to Chennai. Here it met Gils, wearing a red trouser and a green shirt. And what did Gils do ? He promptly took it to a movie (movie review to appear next week in Gils’ blog). The alien could bear all what was inflicted on it in all other countries, but this was too much. It promptly decided that it could stand Earth no more and fled back to where it came from.


Sandhya said...

Hilarious, better than Khushwant Singh :-)

India in itself is a world by itself

If it lands in kerala, it will be asked to strike, but when it travels out of kerala with a kerala tag, it will work hard and run a great business

if it lands in west bengal, it will be asked protest and stop factories for some silly reason like a workman not getting the right sweet for lunch the previous day.

If it lands in Assam, it will not know who is against him, the government or the militants

If it lands in arunachal pradesh, it will get into an identity crisis on whether it has landed in India or China

If it lands in Gujarat, it will be blamed if it does not supporting the NGOs and will wonder what he was supporting when he supports them

If it lands in karnataka, he will see kannada everywhere and will wonder how half the population living the metro who dont know a word of kannada manage - of course only if it manages to complete the course of the city considering that most of the time it would spend struck in a Jam

zeno said...

If it lands in chennai, it will be asked to attend a felicitation function for CM :)

BTW it is a very wrong assumption that teenagers may not know Khushwant singh.[is this wat they call it as generation gap?] Teenagers may not have read his "Train to Pakistan" but definitely would have read "the company of women" LOL

Ramesh said...

@Sandhya - That was a much better round of Indian states than the round of some countries that I attempted. LOL on Gujarat and Karnataka :)

@zeno - Oh yes - with something with a diameter of 1 metre pinned on the shirt ! Khushwant Singh known ? Really ?? Despite the fixation of teenagers with matters amatory, In The Company of Women is rather obscure. Either the generation gap is completely proved, or else I did right in leaving you from my naughty list of teenagers :) LOL. LOL.

Anonymous said...

LOL :D :D :D vadivelu oru padathula entha oor karanga epdilaam adipaanganu oru list poduvaru... atha mathri entha oorla enna punishmentnu karecta list potu solreenga!!! :D :D nejama solunga..unga real name dawooda?? :D :D and btw...intha vara movie review getting ready :D :D antha theaterku alien vanthirunthichna sathiyama eartha vitu odi poirukum!! :( avlo kodumais aadicihi

RamMmm said...

Hilarious. And the icing is visualizing Gils (p.s. I know Gils only in blogdom and not outside it) in red and green and in a movie with the alien, hitting it with mokkais once in a while. :)

And why is Gils in Anony mode a lot these days? :-)

A journey called Life said...

Lovely post! loved what you had to say abt Singapore ;)

What Gils couldn't do to the aliens, the movie did lol!!

ambulisamma said...

Hilarious post.Made a light heart laughing.

kiwibloke said...

And if it had landed in NZ, would have been made a member of the All Blacks Rugby squad,cos every one, virtually every one who plays in the ABs was born outside of NZ.

Vishal said...

Hahahaha :-) Indeed hilarious, I am glad that I am safely in the list of teenagers or else, my perception of Kushwant Singh would have definitely caused a problem for you ;-) :) LOL!

Wonder what would happen if alien visits Delhi... At least his knowledge of glorious hindi words could substantially improve.

ambulisamma said...

Here is my portion of imagination for GCC,
If it lands in Bahrain(Manama bus stand),it would get tired of waiting for bus and would leave.

If it lands in KSA,it would be totally confused of what to wear,as men cannot wear jeans n tees,women should come out only with a abaya.And being single it will not be allowed entry in malls and would be desperate to go back.

If it lands in Muscat and goes to discotheque it would get ripped off all the wealth.

If it lands in Qatar,it may get confused if it is qatar or philippines.

An addition to dubai is,it may be asked to share a studio flat with a dozen people and run away of suffocation.

In kuwait it may enjoy shisha,but cannot drink or have a pot,and a capital punishment or prison if it breaches them.

Ramesh said...

@Gils : Ha Ha - We shall await your movie review with bated breath !

@RamMmm - Not sure why Gils has gone anonymous - Think he's a little bashful these days :)

@AJCL - Notice I completely skipped Bangalore ; was mighty scared of your brickbats LOL.

@Kiwi - No it couldn't find a Kiwi and instead shook hands with a hundred sheep.

@Vishal : :)

@ambulisamma - Wow. That was some round up of the GCC. You are hereby conferred the title of Begum Noor of Manama.

Syed said...

Very hilarious piece Ramesh..Enjoyed reading it esp the climax which was really nice..

G3 said...

//Here it met Gils, wearing a red trouser and a green shirt.//

Romba aasapadareenga pola gilsa indha kolathula paaka :)) Ms paint use panniyaavadhu avaru costumea maathi oru photo innikku ready pannnnida vendiyadhu dhaan :))

aana anniyan stylela edho punishment kudupaaraam avaru adhula irundhu enna kaapaathuveengala???

G3 said...

Aliena!!!! Neenga vera avar kooda vandha avaroda clg mateae pona vaaram enda ippadi oru padathukku kootitu vandhannu kanna pinnanu kaari thuppitaar :D

gils said...

sila samayam apdi thalai maraiva iruka vendia situvayshan vanthiruthu..ennapanrathu :)

Ramesh said...

@Syed - Thanks Syed

@G3 - Of course, kaapathuven. But how could you even think that the quintessential gentleman that Gils is (:)) will stoop down to "kanna pinnanu kaari thupittaar" !! :)

@Gils - Gils and thalai marivu ? - No way. See response to G3's comment on the perfect "gentleman" :)

G3 said...

@Ramesh, Ungalai nambi photo anuppi irukken.. unga profilela irukkara hotmail idkku :))

G3 said...

//quintessential gentleman//

:))))))))))) Haiyo haiyo.. kaalangaarthaala ippadi aniyaayama sirikka vechiteengalae ramesh :)))))

Deepa said...

BTW this teenager, loves Khushwant Singh's sense of humour. Over the top non vegetarian but, you can't miss the humour!

And this piece is a smash-hit! I have told you earlier too, you have a great sense of humour! Have you seen Russell Peters? You'll enjoy his stand ups!

Anonymous said...

/ quintessential gentleman that Gils is (:)) //

avvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv...enna vachu kaamedi keemadi panlaye...itha padichitu naanay sathama sirichiten :D :D aniayaya kusumbunga ungaluku

Ramesh said...

@Deepa - Awwwww.

@Gils - Yes have been very impish in this comment thread, largely because you are a good sport Gils. Back to more prosaic posts and comments from the next one onwards !

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