Good Morning Sir, at 1.00 PM

This blogger is not enamoured of traveling now, the consequence of over exposure to this activity over many years.  In this forum, there has been many a rant against airlines, fellow fliers, roads, and even cows. But I discover that there hasn’t been a full throated rant against an important abomination that is an inevitable component of the aforesaid activity – the hotel. This post rectifies the imbalance.

Does anywhere else in the world, the day start at 12.00 noon, I ask you. I can understand that the lazy Senior Division Clerk at Chennai Telephones believes that day starts at 11.00 AM. But 12.00 noon ? or 2.00 PM ? or even at one place 4.00 PM ?  You arrive at a new city after some 12 hours of being frozen in a Nataraja pose (after extensive research, airlines have learnt that it is the best “seating” arrangement in which you can squash the maximum number of people). The blasted flight has landed at 5.00 AM. You leg it to the hotel, to be told that the day starts at 2.00 PM and could you come back in 9 hours please.

Try getting into a hotel around daybreak (12.00 noon is daybreak in hotel speak). There is one bored looking sleepy clerk to check in 722 obese package tourists who have all landed up  to be checked in.  They want your credit card and immediately block it for $ 1 million – heavy hint that that is the amount you are expected to spend. Nowhere else is a potential customer treated like a potential thief – what if you run away without paying the bill; so appropriate your card as much as possible. Never mind that I am a regular stayer in the blasted place, my company has made the booking,  and the company routinely spends thousands of dollars putting up its managers there.

Once you get in, you are a captive “bhakra” (nincompoop), waiting to be milked. They want to charge you for water to drink ($2 for 10 ml ). The biggest rip off is the charge for internet – you pay for 10 mts, what you’ll pay for a whole year back home. Breakfast costs $56 plus taxes, plus service charge, plus surcharge, plus convenience fee please. Then there is the monstrosity called the mini bar – everything costs $10 please and we’ll bill you even if the chambermaid has flicked a bottle or two. God help you if you touch the telephone - $17 for looking and $34 for touching; any further activity at your own risk. And unless you carry your entire wardrobe with you, you are going to be literally be bled white by laundry. You white, the clothes torn, that is.

Dimensions of the room are now approaching the vital statistics of airline seats, especially in Europe. Americans (New York excepted) and Asians are more liberal with cubic capacity. But Europeans believe that chicken coops and hotel rooms must have same precise dimensions. One bed and 1.76 inches walking space.  Try soaping yourself in  1ft by1.5ft shower cubicle and you’ll begin to appreciate the bruises after every trip.

What’s a typical pattern of stay in a business trip ? Land in a place, have a shower and off to office. Obviously, there’s a dinner with somebody in the evening. Perhaps a drink or two at some bar, after dinner,  to be civil and polite. Stumble bleary eyed into the hotel at some 11 PM or so. Fall into bed and hopefully wake up at 6.00 and repeat all over again. For this privilege, pay some $250 (does not apply to those who stay at Ritz Carlton).  I was completely unaware of the value of a shower or the value of horizontal repose, until I started to see hotel bills.

Home away from home, I believe. My foot !

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Are you a terrorist ?

Answering inane questions is an unfortunate fact of life these days. Especially since security has taken centre stage in life, you are constantly asked useless questions at any place which has a security check. I was subject to a special dose of inane questions recently and hence this post.

The occasion was the renewal of my US visa which was expiring. In my line of business, a US visa is one of the necessities of life – like food, water, etc etc. Now the US visa process, for those who only want to visit it,(as opposed to immigrate), is actually a very good process. You apply on line these days, wait for an interview slot, go in person and spend half a day waiting. If you are a regular traveler, you are usually given a long term visa – usually for 10 years. Wasting half a day once in 10 years is perfectly acceptable and nobody should mind.

But in typical American fashion, you are asked some inane security questions in the visa form. Here are some gems.

- Are you coming to the United States to engage in Prostitution ?
- Do you seek to engage in espionage or sabotage ?
- Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization?
- Have you committed, ordered, incited, assisted,or otherwise participated in extrajudicial killings ?
- Have you ever withheld custody of a U.S. citizen child outside the United States from a person granted legal custody by a U.S. court ?

What do they expect as an answer ? There are probably tens of thousands of applications filed everyday and I would like to know if there was even one answer that said Yes to any of the above ?? The last question is particularly interesting. Does it mean that its OK to withhold custody of a non US citizen child or its OK to withhold custody in the US ??

Why ask such inane questions ? Of course, its only to make prosecution easier if you are caught doing any of the above – you said you would not and you did – capital crime !! In the US its more important not to lie; take the Bill Clinton scandal of a decade ago – His crime was not to have had sex with Monica Lewinski – his crime was to lie about it.

Same is the rigmarole in the airport if you are flying to the US. A bored check in clerk has to ask these questions . Are you carrying a gun ? Are you carrying a bomb? Well not exactly those, but something similarly inane couched in legal gobbledygook. Are you carrying a controlled substance ? What is a controlled substance ?? Drugs is what they mean of course, but there must be some obscure legal reason why it has to be called controlled substance.

Mischievously I have devised a list of questions that visitors to this blog must answer in their own minds

1. Are you wearing a red shirt and green trousers to evidence that you are “uber cool” ?
2. Have you watched the latest Tamil/Hindi/Chinese/whatever movie sitting in the front row of the theatre in the last seven days ?
3. Have you said Down with the Net Nanny at least three times today ?
4. Have you posted the comment "First" on at least five blogs today ?
5. Have you called your spouse "Her Highness", or "Senora" or "The Husband" or "The Fella" or "The Significant Other" today ??

If your answer is No to any of the above , you are denied a visa to enter this blog !!

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Hong Kong or Singapore ?

An old stale subject, but since I happened to read an article in the Financial Times on this, why not add to the zillion words already written on this comparison.

Both are financial centres; both are dynamic and vibrant city states. They are the usual two choices for any company’s Asian headquarters. As a financial centre, after London and New York, Hong Kong is ranked third; Singapore fourth. They are wonderfully connected to the rest of the world. HKIA and Changi frequently trade places as the best airport in the world. They are two of the biggest seaports. Both are ex British colonies and truly international. Great places to live in. At a superficial glance, they seem to be clones of each other.

So what are the differences ?

Hong Kong is obviously numero uno for China. Singapore is a much more comfortable location for India. The standard of English is much better in Singapore than in Hong Kong – there are parts of Hong Kong where you could be totally lost without Cantonese. Hong Kong is much more polluted than Singapore, a consequence of being just a stone’s throw from the Guangdong province in China which is the factory to the world. There are a myriad of such differences obviously, but there are three main differences that might have a bearing on business, I believe.

Firstly the rentals in Hong Kong are three times more expensive than Singapore. Whether residential or office. Tiny cubby holes as homes in Hong Kong are legendary, Property prices in Hong Kong are simply crazy. Not that they are not crazy in Singapore, but in Hong Kong they are crazy crazy. It makes doing business in Hong Kong prohibitively expensive, unless you are Goldman Sachs !

Secondly its much more difficult to get work permits and immigrant visas into Hong Kong than into Singapore. This simple fact makes it much more difficult to get a multinational team into Hong Kong – its much much easier to do so in Singapore. But I love the fact that Indians don't need a visa at all for business travel to Hong Kong.

Surprisingly Hong Kong is a lot freer than Singapore. Despite being a part of China, albeit a Special Administrative Region, Hong Kong enjoys a free press and all the trappings of a vigorous democratic society. Singapore is free too, but you just have to read the Straits Times versus the South China Morning Post to understand what I am talking about. Singapore is a nanny state; period. Hong Kong, despite being on the edge of the biggest nanny state of them all, is itself not a nanny – she’s actually a curvaceous Suzy Wong ! And you have to live in a nanny state to appreciate the benefit of escaping from her clutches.

Where would I go ?? Well, I’ve been to both many more times than I would care to count. Actually I would rather not go to either of them. Warts and all, the choice is really between Shanghai and Bangalore. There in lies the dilemma for both Hong Kong and Singapore. They are the past. The future belongs to the dragon and the elephant. If only these two giants would care to put on a little makeup, dress up a bit and perhaps exhibit a few more curves …….

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Does anybody buy duty free anymore ?

Liquor, yes. Cigarettes, yes (those smokers still left). Perfumes, yes (to placate the lady). But who buys all the rest of the insanely priced goods that masquerade as duty free items in airports ?

In the good old days, flying was the prerogative of the rich, Shops at airports were built to cater to that lot who can afford all those outrageous prices. Hence the shops that sold designer clothes. Designer bags. Brand names that are unpronounceable by ordinary mortals. Prices starting from $500 plus.

Today's air traveller is a completely different animal. She's toting a backpack. It looks like airport shops haven't noticed. They are still peddling stuff that nobody buys. Changi airport doesn't need a Gucci showroom. It needs a Mustafa.

I am sitting at Suvarnabhumi airport typing this post. I can't see a single guy buying anything from those fancy shops that are all over this airport. Not clear how they are in business.

I am however in bliss. No proxies to navigate through my beloved Net Nanny. Can actually post direct on Blogger. Can even spellcheck. Can read posts without having to wait for a zillion minutes for the proxy to pipe me silly ads. Oh for the simple joys of life ....

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The future of flying

Ryan Air is contemplating introducing “standing” on flights. Wow. Apparently they now also charge you to go to the loo mid flight. So what is the future of flying ? Here are some suggestions

- They should all do an indepth study of the Bombay trains as the best example of maximizing passengers per cu ft of available space. They can transform flying by replicating the Bombay train model.

- They can have two classes of standing on flights. In first class you are squashed against your neighbour, but can stand straight. In second class you are squashed but your body has to be bent at least in three places to accommodate more people. There will also be a material difference in body odour – a fact that can be advertised.

- Travelling on the roof of the plane will also be allowed (half ticket). It’s much safer anyway than the roof of the train. However the plane will have a fly a little lower to avoid those at the top, who are “catching the breeze”, from being frozen to death.

- Planes will no longer descend at airports. Instead they’ll sort of go slow over the target area and passengers can jump off. If you are incredulous reading this, go to at Churchgate station in Bombay at about 6.00 PM in the evening.

- Boarding process can be entirely dispensed with – Kreegah Bundolo and charge. Boarding will be completed in 1 minute flat. If you are again incredulous, go to Churchgate station…etc etc. Turnaround times for planes will come down to 2 minutes.

- You can dispense will all cleaners. Cleaning ? What’s that ?

- Baggage handling will become much easier. People will stop carrying baggage once they experience one flight.

Here are also some suggestions of how airlines can enhance revenue

- Ryanair’s idea of charging to go to the loo is brilliant. I also suggest that they measure the time you spend in the loo and accordingly have a graded scale of charges

- Airlines can stop pressurizing the plane and then charge for oxygen masks

- They can weigh the passengers at the time of check in and have fares based on weight

- Why not dispense with cushions on seats altogether and simply have wooden planks

- Why not allow people to sit inside the luggage racks as well ? This is fairly common in other modes of travel

- Charge passengers for the privilege of being security frisked (premium charge to be frisked by a pretty girl)

More suggestions welcome.

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Visa is a four letter word

Business travel is painful at the best of times. Especially if you do lots of it internationally. Air travel these days is not nice at all - the long commute to airports, overcrowded airports, long and winding security queues, delayed flights, cramped seats, apology for food, and so on. But at the top of the pain list, for citizens of "lesser" countries like me, must be the four letter word - Visa.

As an Indian citizen, I am a second class citizen in the world's eyes. The only countries I don't need a visa to travel are Nepal, Bhutan, Maldives and Hong Kong (bless their souls). Everywhere else, I need this dreaded stamp on the passport. Chinese citizens are in the same boat. So, half the population in the world is second class.

In law, there's a basic principle - you are innocent until proven guilty. But when it comes to immigration law, you are guilty until proven innocent. Consulates genuinely believe that every visa applicant is a cheat and wants to somehow emigrate to their country, which they believe is heaven. Please .....

So this dreaded process goes as follows

• You have to submit tons of documents. Some of them are plain ridiculous. And the consulate is just looking for an excuse to return the pile to you - lets say there's an ink smudge at the bottom of the page !

• You need to produce a special photograph. And of course every country has its own rules on photograph. End result, I must be the most photographed man on earth. Once I was so irritated that I went to a studio, asked the photographer to click every conceivable type of photograph, print about 300 copies , dumped the whole lot on my secretary and then refused to go to a photo studio again. And I got caught out by the French embassy which stipulates that you cannot smile in the photo (I am not making this up).

• Then some idiots require you to come in person. These are the worst. You have to fight to get an appointment and travel to the city where the consulate is and spend a degrading 4 or 5 hours in the process. I am convinced that the rudest people in the world are the lot in the visa sections of consulates.

• And then you wait. With you passport stuck and you can't travel anywhere or apply for a visa to the next country you are going to.

• When you reach the country, you stand in a long and winding queue specially meant for citizens of lesser countries and go through the process of answering sometimes downright rude questions with a straight polite face of extreme gratitude. Every seasoned traveller knows that even if the guy insults your mother, you can't show the slightest trace of anger or else you are doomed.

Juggling visas has been an art. My travel was more dictated by visa considerations than anything else. In this world clamouring for free trade, free movement of everything etc etc, can't they make legitimate business travel easier. I am not talking of free immigration - just straightforward normal business travel and abolish this dreaded four letter word to history.

One of the things I love about my sabbatical now is that I don't have to make a visa application at all !

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Leave the wives at home

Who was the most seen and talked about person at the recent G20 summit. Barack Obama ? Wrong. It was Michelle Obama.

What was she doing there in the first place ? As far as I know, she did not have a contribution to solving the financial crisis at the London summit, or insights into NATO policy at Strasbourg, or betterment of EU relations at Prague.

What were the wives doing at these summits ? Remember, you and I foot their bill as tax payers. Yes wives. The two male spouses - Nestor Kirchner (Cristina Fernández's husband) and Joachim Sauer (Angela Merkel's husband) did not attend the London summit.

In many companies, its common for spouses to travel along with Board members or senior managers. Its always the top executives who do this. No flunky can, or will, take his spouse on business travel.

A top global company recently announced a huge cut in travel for all its executives worldwide. Very understandable in the current business environment. It also disclosed in a filing that it had spent £ 195,000 in the previous year on travel for the wives of the top 5 executives. Fantastic. Very motivating for all the employees.

In today's professional environment, there's no place for this sort of stuff. The company employs the executive - not his or her spouse. Its fine for anybody to take a spouse along anywhere, as long as they pay for it. Companies should simply not have anything to do with spouses.

Oh Yes. I have heard all the arguments. These guys work very hard. They travel a lot. The job plays havoc with their families. That's why they should be allowed to take their wives. Its like a perquisite. The execs need their spouse's support, else they cannot do their high pressure job. It isn't a huge expenditure. Don't be mean and petty. Blah Blah Blah.

Its just not cricket, as the English would say.

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Is all this business travel really necessary ?

(photo courtesy Businessweek)

Every business executive these days travels like crazy. In the "flat" world of today, its usually long distances across countries. Is all this really necessary ?

I have myself been guilty of wild travel - one of the reasons I took my sabbatical. My badge of shame includes a gold card from Star Alliance, gold card from Oneworld alliance a Platinum card from Jet Airways, and assorted colour cards for various other independent airlines , all of which I am now delighted to throw into the waste bin. I am much experienced in this area !

Most of the travel is a waste. Any manager, who is honest with himself, will admit it.

The worst reason to travel is a conference. The ones where you have a large group of people listening to somebody lecturing. Two days of absolute torture - the fact that nobody attends every session of the conference and listens intently and fully, is enough to justify that the value of this is questionable. People fight with each other to get invited to conferences and be "seen" and pout if they aren't, for sometimes this is a badge of importance - why not just publish this list of importance and forget the conference ! The only justification for a conference is the socialising or networking that happens during the sidelines. There are now equally effective means of networking, that does not require physical presence - something that I justify lower down.

The largest reason for travel is an internal company meeting. This, in my book, ranks only a shade below a conference in the list of worst reasons to travel. The meeting is usually between people whom you know reasonably well and are your colleagues. Why do you need to see them and smell their breath to "meet". Witness, in any meeting, the number of people who are ducking out to take calls, the number of people who are fingering their Blackberries, the number of people who are punching away at their laptops ..... I rest my case. Again "networking" and "personal touch" is often touted as a reason for physical meetings, usually to justify the booze and the dinner in the evening. There are now equally effective ways to meet, without resorting to physical travel.

Another important reason to travel is meeting the customer. Here there is no alternative - this is one of the most important activities in any business. Physical presence is necessary. But I am often amazed at how many people tag along to "meet the customer". There is rarely one on one meetings - a retinue goes. Usually only one or two people are necessary. Instead a battalion travels. When the customer is met, two people talk 95% of the time and the others smile and take notes. My favourite anecdote is when 74 people (me included) went to meet the customer.

A fourth reason , especially among senior executives and directors, is to visit the market/country/company. And what do they do - they go and sit in a meeting room and worthies troop in one by one, to make presentations. Airport, hotel, office meeting room, hotel, airport, back. Do you really have to go in flesh and blood. Again the old argument - networking, getting to meet the people over dinner - amazing how booze is always the reason to go !

If you cut out all of the above, 95% of business travel is unnecessary. But what is the alternative. My solution is simple - embrace the internet.

Most executives have not appreciated the internet and the changes it has brought to life. Many embrace it in their personal lives, and yet, it has made very little inroads into business life. And for the record I exclude E Mail from what I mean.

Lets tackle networking and personal contact - which is often the reason touted for travel. The internet has revolutionised networking beyond imagination. And yet we rarely use it in business. Just think of the very close networks many have built on line in personal life. We have reestablished contacts with our classmates from school so effectively. With My Space we have networked with complete strangers and made new and often close friends whom we may never see in person. With Facebook, we have kept in touch with all our friends even more effectively than if we could visit them once a year. Tweeting is now another social networking phenomenon. Through blogs, we express ourselves much better than if we were only to engage in a conversation. As we all know, sometimes, we are freer and more open in communicating if we don't see the person face to face. And yet in the business world, none of the above phenomenon have really found their place. A sterile CEO blog is all that seems to happen. If you want to really network, set aside 3 hours (no calls, no fiddling with the blackberry), invite as many people as you want to a web chat and you'll find you have networked far better than when you went in person and got drunk.

Web conferencing must now replace meetings and conferences completely. Just because the old man (read CEO) is uncomfortable with this technology is no reason not to adopt it.

Why do managers still travel like this. Part of it is discomfort with technology - they are still not used to it and feel uncomfortable with it. This amazes me because many of them embrace it wholeheartedly in personal life. Part of it is the bragging - how can you be a manager of consequence if you can't complain about the travelling in a party. Part of it is wanting to be "seen" at events. Part of it is that you are scared of missing the action. Maybe a little bit of all of this.

Think of what you are doing to your body. The pounding it takes from the stress, the lack of sleep, the untimely and bad food. Think of what it does to your schedule and routine - your workouts, your time at the gym, your time at the sports field back home. Think of your family. Everybody knows that they miss their children's growing years and yet they do this to themselves.

Managers know all this and yet travelling has only become worse. They need a "business" reason to stop; so let me try this on you. Every time you travel, you are adding big time to carbon emissions. Just paying a carbon tax cannot absolve you of this sin. Your company is committed to being "green". You are producing a report of how your company is acutely aware of the climate change issue and how it is acting decisively. Add a line to the report. Stop travelling and declare yourself green.

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