Friday, 10 July 2009

The future of flying

Ryan Air is contemplating introducing “standing” on flights. Wow. Apparently they now also charge you to go to the loo mid flight. So what is the future of flying ? Here are some suggestions

- They should all do an indepth study of the Bombay trains as the best example of maximizing passengers per cu ft of available space. They can transform flying by replicating the Bombay train model.

- They can have two classes of standing on flights. In first class you are squashed against your neighbour, but can stand straight. In second class you are squashed but your body has to be bent at least in three places to accommodate more people. There will also be a material difference in body odour – a fact that can be advertised.

- Travelling on the roof of the plane will also be allowed (half ticket). It’s much safer anyway than the roof of the train. However the plane will have a fly a little lower to avoid those at the top, who are “catching the breeze”, from being frozen to death.

- Planes will no longer descend at airports. Instead they’ll sort of go slow over the target area and passengers can jump off. If you are incredulous reading this, go to at Churchgate station in Bombay at about 6.00 PM in the evening.

- Boarding process can be entirely dispensed with – Kreegah Bundolo and charge. Boarding will be completed in 1 minute flat. If you are again incredulous, go to Churchgate station…etc etc. Turnaround times for planes will come down to 2 minutes.

- You can dispense will all cleaners. Cleaning ? What’s that ?

- Baggage handling will become much easier. People will stop carrying baggage once they experience one flight.

Here are also some suggestions of how airlines can enhance revenue

- Ryanair’s idea of charging to go to the loo is brilliant. I also suggest that they measure the time you spend in the loo and accordingly have a graded scale of charges

- Airlines can stop pressurizing the plane and then charge for oxygen masks

- They can weigh the passengers at the time of check in and have fares based on weight

- Why not dispense with cushions on seats altogether and simply have wooden planks

- Why not allow people to sit inside the luggage racks as well ? This is fairly common in other modes of travel

- Charge passengers for the privilege of being security frisked (premium charge to be frisked by a pretty girl)

More suggestions welcome.


thethoughtfultrain said...

LOL!! Travelling to remote locations battling heavy traffic, waiting for the flight, boarding hassles and add to it the cost of flying - I guess this is enough to torment the passengers. I do hope this "flying bus" with a pay per visit loo doesnt take off!!
As for what you said about the classes of standing room, it was priceless!! :-D

Ravi Rajagopalan said...

This will also serve to end flying - one flight and no one will ever board an aircraft. This will gladden the hearts of the environmental lobby and ensure we have a greener planet. All we will have is the CEO of Ryanair mouthing obscenities and causing some pollution - but he does that anyway.

Preeti Shenoy said...

To add to it, there can be low cost flying belts. Where passengers can be suspended from wings when the rooftop is full. Strength of belts used depends on cost of ticket.For a slight payment more (which would be significantly lower than cost of ticket of travelling on rooftop) the suspended-from-wings passengers would be provided with plastic skates so when the plane slows down they let go the belt and skate to terminus. (value addition and time saves as well :P ) :D

I also demand equal rights for women..There should be muscular young studs to frisk the women.Why should boys have all the fun? :)

Also loos can be dispensed with altogether. Extra space can be used to accomodate more people. After all if you can make it for three hours in rush hour traffic on Indian roads, what's a little bit of airy-sky? :)

Inside the plane there can be 'two-tier accomodation' like the double decker bus.The passengers at both levels can bend over.

And hello, while we're at it, who needs seats? Do away with them-- Voila --more space!!

I hope someone from Ryan Air does not read my comment. If so I demand to be paid for my valuable ideas else I'll sue for plagiarism and theft of intellectual property :D :)


Ramesh said...

@thoughtful train : LOL

@Dada : Obviously Michael O'Leary is not your favourite person on the planet !

@Preeti - Cracking comment. Nominated for the funniest comment ever in the blogosphere :)

raghavendra kotla said...

Ryan Air is still looking for approvals...Look at Air India...they already accommodated additional passengers (seated in cockpit and foldable seats)...Civil aviation directorate is probing....:-)

Anonymous said...

Exkalibur 666

Absolutely hilarious post..thorougly enjoyed reading it. But the state of affairs in the aviation industry is truly sad.

le embrouille blogueur said...

For a very little cost .... there can be bhel puri, tomato soup and cold drink "wallahs" in the plane .... passengers can earn extra miles if they help clean up after other passengers ....also dangling legs over the cockpit (for passengers who are "outside")..this may obstruct the video game view that the pilot and co pilot have been playing ...!!

Ajay said...

LOL. Crazy Irish!! And with all this, there would be a Catholic priest on board too, praying to God for the flight's safety :)
I guess Ryan Air is targetting the consumers who have been acclimatised to the Bombay local :) I have lived in Bombay for 2 months and have already had enough of it :)

Adesh Sidhu said...

Air India has already done it man!!! Stuffed 3 extra passengers!!!!

Satish said...

Ramesh, for once I think you have got it wrong. Mumbai trains is not the right example to emulate. The Calcutta private buses are where no matter if it is sagging due to weight of passengers all you have to do is raise your hand and it will come to a halt in the middle of the street and the conductor will say ashun as if it was a completely empty bus. Secondly do not agree on odour in 1st class being better. The odour is the same and disgusting but just a bit of deo put in as an additional.
On further suggestions:1. your bottle suggestion in one of the earlier posts will come in handy for small jobs and avoid the loo requirement - standard instruction at the time of ticket booking is to carry your own bottle or buy one charged at 80 rupees per empty bottle. (expect you to share 50% royalty with me on this). For big jobs we need an extra door and note that the pilot needs to keep track of the country or place so that country can be charged for free fertilizer - the passenger gets a small discount on next flight for this service and the airlines makes money from the country - win win.
2. Air hostesses to be done away with and only male hosts to be put in - imagine how many old males will then letch and ask for water and other stuff.3. Maintenance staff will be cut down - if the plane does not start then ask passengers to tilt it like a bajaj scooter and then the pilot can retry - no fancy mechanics required. 4. Not sure why you are restricting to 2 classes only - please innovate. In the absence of luggage the hold is free. So that will be the unreserved element where people can Kreegah and Tarzen bundolo, the second class and first class as you suggested and maybe a super delux class for the rich and famous standing in the pilots cabin. In summer and in India sepcial deck stands for the goras who want some sun and wind.
Mind boggling I must say the options that are available.


Ramesh said...

@Kotla - Thanks for the link. The Air India guys were simply trying to help as many passengers as possible, an example of customer service wrongly overriding safety.

@exkalibur - Yes, aviation industry is in complete doldrums

@blogeuer - Great ideas :)

@Ajay - What, after only 2 months ?

@Adesh - Saw the news from the link Kotla provided.

@Satish - Now you see why I am motivating you to become a blogger. Hee Ho Ho :)

thethoughtfultrain said...

LOL Ramesh ... Not only was your post a laughing gas but the witty comments set the whole atmosphere on fire!!! Amamzing and still laughing my head off!! Gonna mail this to my dad too ;-)

Ajay said...

Catching up on everything after the weekend again. Yes 2 months were more than enough for me in Mumbai. Born and brought up in Chandigarh - Mumbai was madness for me :) Was interning with Asian Paints then during MBA.

Reflections said...

Loved this....both the post & comments;-D

Ramesh said...

@Reflections - Thanks. Much honoured by your catching up with my old posts.

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