Sunday, 27 March 2011

The titanic struggle

This blogger is extremely bleary eyed and prickly these days. Nocturnal slumber is not coming easy. No, we are not afflicted with the weighty travails of modern business ; we are letting younger and more energetic men and women shoulder such onerous responsibilities. (Notice the royal "we" ; high praise by this blogger in the last post has completely gone into the head ! ) No affliction of the body either. And yet, repose eludes. The villain is a certain creature that God created to inflict misery on man.

When confronted with this creature, pressing matters of the business world fly out of the window. Affairs of the state be damned. All concentration is on the futile act of achieving extermination of this malevolent species. This blog therefore takes a holiday from business until this emergency can be tackled.

You see, the business world has already got well into the class warfare of man against this torturer. First came coils that emitted smoke, which presumably the creature did not like. But smoky bedrooms, however romantic, do not necessarily aid slumber. So the industry graduated to mats which you heat on a contraption they provide. This apparently fooled the creature into believing you are not there. For a time this worked. But then Rajalakshmi - she of the gargantuan proportions - cannot easily fool somebody into believing that she does not exist. Meanwhile the businessmen moved on to "more improved", "new" and "revolutionary" products. You see they like to dilute everything with water if they can. So they started selling liquids that could also be heated on a special contraption and could drive away the menace. You can get them lavender scented, pine scented, lemon fresh, strawberry coloured etc etc. They might be very attractive to human sensibilities, but the blasted creature is least intimidated and merrily continues to torture unsuspecting human beings.

Experienced hands know that there are two types. There is the silent operator who you don't discover until an unbearable itch signals that the enemy has come and gone. Then there is the other type who has musical tendencies and decides to give you a full rendition of the octave. While music is always welcome, its not so pleasant in the hours when the body is weary, especially if such music is rendered two inches from your nose. Both are now merrily eluding all of human invention designed to keep them at bay. So what do I do ?

I've been through the entire gamut of solids and liquids, but my resident enemy simply laughs them away. Some creams and potions have also been prescribed, but other than a repulsive smell , do little good (discerning readers may note that all cream and potions, of whatever variety and sold for whatever reason to the gullible female of the species, achieve precisely the same result !) Sympathisers have assured me that in summer, these creatures vanish ; but then its rather hot in Bangalore these days and the taps have gone dry and yet our tormentor seems to be alive and kicking.

Advanced experts have prescribed body armour (otherwise called the net) as the only foolproof solution. But then the enemy wishes to join inside the armour. If you look rather closely, you might notice an unathletic man trying to contort himself into the body armour without allowing the oppressor in ; and failing spectacularly !

A kindly soul has attempted to comfort me that the singular attraction the scoundrel seems to have for me is simply because I'm "sweet"! While that did wonders for the soul, it does precious little for the body. The suffering continues.

I call upon the youth of the world to unite. Onwards to battle stations. To a war, even more important than Afghanistan, although both share the same trouble of being unwinnable. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills, we shall never surrender (with due apologies to Winston Churchill) !

17 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha ha!! The mosquitos. Come over here, you can be free of them, without inventing new means to get rid of them!! :)

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  2. Well.. what to say Ramesh! I am told that this is the time of the year when this creature comes with every possible member of its extended family to impose the said misery. So far the liquid piece seems to work for me. Last piece of the post perhaps best describes your condition. You are indeed "sweet"!

    P.S. - As I write this comment, I could see one member of this family trying hard to leave an unbearable itch on my knees :) So the menace and the fight continues, time to switch on my liquid :)

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  3. post on rangoski?

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  4. Ha Ha Welcome welcome. Zeno told you so. we want WMD to annihilate them time to revisit this and http://zenofzeno.blogspot.com/2010/08/want-wmd-wanna-annhilate.html
    and http://ibnlive.in.com/news/bihar-finds-mosquito-repellent-in-elephant-dung/78667-13.html

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  5. @RS - Yes; yours i the right place to come for there are such wonderful people as RS. Whoever said anything about mosquitoes :)

    @zeno - I should have known that the philosopher would have written on this. I had read your piece - so perhaps copied it subconsciously. All credit for the idea shoul go to zeno !

    @Vishal - Ah well ... !!

    @gils - Thalaivar vilakkam thevai

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  6. :-) You should take the sagean advice of zeno who lives with and survives a flotilla of pricklers. :-)

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  7. I was hoping the Chennai heat would get to them when I visit this summer so your observation regarding their heat adaptation is distressing. I guess you have tried the electrocuting racquets and window nets. The racquets are quite gruesome but one night of enduring these guys is enough to overcome any squeamishness that you might otherwise suffer. My sympathies - relax and smell the odomos :)

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  8. sandhya sriram28/3/11

    Ramesh,

    wow!! this was an amazing as a Rowan Atkinson flick of fighting with a fly. every time, i here the music next time, i would smile to myself remembering this blog.

    what to say for you...

    when some thought, you meant serious stuff, you amazed us with your sports series on the games.

    and when some one thought, you were a games hookie, you wrote an amazing one on the melbourne stadium with a picture (i think the first one in many of posts)

    And when some one thought, politics doesn't really excite you, you wrote on angela merkel and the likes

    when we thought politics it is, you wrote an inspiring one on brenda

    and now when we all thought, you are into some serious light reading, you have surpassed even rowan atkinson in your humor quotient

    is there a stone you havent touched

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  9. Kiwibloke28/3/11

    Come to kiwi land,no snakes, no scorps, mosqis are a rarity that they are considered an endangered species!

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  10. Ha..ha..good one!!
    The war of the Titans...Zzzzz vs Hmmmm !!!
    If nothing works, you should try Tap Dance or maybe Kathak to dodge these fiery creatures :-)
    And for sure avoid the females of that species!

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  11. enthiran padathula..aishvarya rai ya kadikka vara mosquitoe peru rangoski :D

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  12. @RamMmm - Indeed; advice of the sagely zeno is valid on all matters :)

    @J - Welcome to Chennai. After Phoenix, Chennai might appear positively salubrious

    @Sandhya - Seriously, you are a blogger's dream. Whenever I feel low, all I have to do is to read a comment of yours and get instantly perked up. How can I ever say thank you adequately.

    @kiwi - Unfortunately, no people as well :):)

    @ Hema- I was much tempted to remark disparagingly on the female of that species being the biting variety, but I thought amongst the "multitude" of my female fans (:)) that might not exactly be diplomatic !!

    @gils - Ohhhhhh . Much educated Enna sir - antha ammava kadikkira janthukkum pukazha :)

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  13. Something tells me your no stranger to Kafka. Cast my vote for the net. Skip the contortions. Lure the invaders into your trap. I like your chances in the confines of the net. Crush the ones foolhardy enough to have fallen into your trap and learn to embrace the music of the ones outside who are unable to extract revenge as they sing you to sleep.

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  14. rangoski also happens to be the childhood pet name of the much famed writer Sujatha. Endhiran was the last movie to which he did screen play and dialogue. In fact, Zeno also happens to be one of his most popular character ;)

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  15. Come to chennai,its free of mosquitos in summer and the heat is already raging up.
    And there is something for you in my blog.

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  16. @Hopfrog - You mus really write yourself - what a way with words you have. I am looking forward to your thru-hike travelogue

    @zeno - I am now much educated, including being made aware of the existence of a film purportedly called Endhiran !!

    @ambulisamma - you have seen Chennai this month. The creatures in Bangalore are pygmies compared to the monsters in Chennai.

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  17. hehehe...i don't understand why doesn't the heat kill those tiny things...how can they stand all that summer heat and not us...

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