Sunday, 24 October 2010

The Ascent of Man

The Ascent of Man is an all time classic BBC documentary on the evolution of human society. Written and presented by J Bronowski, it was made in the 1970s and traced the evolution of humans into what they are today.

That was before the age of computers. And email. And the Blackberry. With the onset of such a revolutionary step in human evolution, the series needs to be continued. Alas, J Bronowski is no more. So with much tribute to him, this blogger now presents the fourteenth chapter in the series.

Humans will now evolve with amazing rapidity in the next 20 years or so , both physically and mentally. The right hand will now comprise of 5 thumbs so that they can all simultaneously punch away at the Blackberry. The left hand will evolve into no fingers and a velcro palm so that the sainted instrument can rest more snugly. The human neck shall elongate and tilt at 45 degrees so as to see the screen better. All teeth shall turn Blue, so that there is no need for wires at all. The most sensitive part of the body will become the thigh, so that it can sense the ping of the incoming email better. The thigh will be specially linked to the mouth so that it can drool as soon as as the next E Mail comes. The eye will come down in the human body, somewhere in the region of the navel so that they can be as close to the Blackberry as possible.

Sleep patterns will change into a series of 10 minute naps with a five minute break in order to check emails. Air travel will completely stop because it would be unthinkable for the human race to shut off the Blackberry for anything more than 5 minutes. Cars will be Blackberry enabled so that on the front windshield, your emails will be continuously scrolling through - you can reply through a convenient keypad on the steering wheel. Television programs will stop having ad breaks and instead have email checking breaks. Lovers will not hold hands - they'll hold Blackberries instead. And they'll pop the question via an email. The slap will now be replaced by a fully spirited heave of the Blackberry in the general direction of the offender.

The Church and for that matter all religions, shall fully adapt to this new world. You will be able to text God and he shall reply within 1 nanosecond - the ping shall be replaced by a Hallelujah ! The Bill of Rights will be amended to include the possession of a Blackberry and the right to get at least one email a second as a fundamental right. International human rights organisations, including Amnesty International, shall keep tabs on this fundamental right and pass strictures against China for not changing its script into a more Blackberry friendly one.

Afflictions of the human body shall also change. Previously deadly killers such as malaria and cholera shall become extinct. Instead arthritis of the right thumb shall become the bane of human life - the product of a million emails sent.Psychiatrists shall make a killing on treatment of blackberrymailopyschosis - the fear of not getting a ping on the Blackberry in the next one second.

The field of arts and sports will not be left behind. Whole orchestras will make music with thumbs dancing on Blackberries. Gymnastics will be decided by who can text the maximum messages while doing a somersault. The swimming world will be rocked by the news that the new Blackberry compatible body suit is banned for giving undue advantage. And alas, drug abuse in sport will not go away - steroids to dull the pain in the thumb being in all pervasive use.

Children shall be born, Blackberry ready. Kindergartens will be replaced by Berrygartens. The infant's first word shall still be mama, but it will be typed on the Pinkberry (for girls) and Blueberry (for boys).

This is Thiru Kung Tzu signing off with a modern day adaptation of a famous quotation from a long forgotten poet "Into that heaven of Blackberrydom, my Father, let my world awake".


Anonymous said...

ithelam paatha ascent mathiri ilaye..descent mathirina iruku :) intha techy evolutionku ungaloda assent ilayo??

zeno said...

To prevent this ascent or descent, to save the world from all this disasters, or from the evil called blackberry, Steve Jobs gave us iPhone and iPad! Get converted to the church of Apple :P

zeno said...

Though this post is pun intended, there is more than a bit of truth and irony in it.
Sometime back, when i was travelling in a MTC listening to the ipod, volunteered to hold a baby who was some 6-8 month old[definitely not more than an year]. The kid tugged out my earphones and was trying to take the earphone to the ear but not to the mouth.[I always thought kids usually take anything and everything to mouth]Definitely was dumbfounded!The kid refused to trade my pen for the earphone!

and check out here wat is the new favorite toy of toddlers

Deepa said...

This is a signature Thiru Kung Tzu!! And I have to tell you, my neighbour's 2 year operates the iPhone like a dream. And guess what, there indeed is a world competition about who can type a certain message the quickest.

Oh, btw, u missd out d lingo of commn of d gen-next!

Ramesh said...

@gils - The title of the series - The Ascent of Man, was itself a take on Charles Darwin's book - The Descent of Man. Maybe Darwin was right - its a descent, although he didn't mean it that way.

@zeno - Ha Ha . The toddler story and the link is frightening. Did they say truth is stranger than fiction ....

@Deepa - Me nt no lingo of brts !!

Sandhya Sriram said...

Deepa said it all - this is indeed signature thiru kung tzu

I was teasing two of my friends last week (husband and wife living together), talking to each other on facebook. But, it happens to me as well. sometimes, coz I have been getting back late and my husband is already asleep by then, I send him emails to discuss stuff.

No matter what, across the accent of man, the fundamentals of human existence have not changed. The fundamental traits of love, passion, hate, jealousy, social belonging, affection, care and so on have not changed. They have only manifested themselves in different forms and aided by different innovations. probably some of what you have said would indeed happen. Nevertheless, I feel the next generations should be born with stronger neck and finger muscles for sure – atleast they don’t suffer from back problems like us.

RamMmm said...

And there will be a movement on facebook, twitter or some other social exchanges called 'Blockberry' / 'Blackbury'.

Note: I ride the Berry and so far it has been good. :-)

Vishal said...

Ramesh - Wonderful, fabulous, magnificent... I wish you come up with fifteenth, sixteenth and seventeenth chapters and offer us great treat of reading. You covered almost everything I could imagine while reading. Just awesome!

On a serious note, it did leave a scary picture too. When I look upto my boss scrolling through blackberry just 15 cm (parallel) away from his eyes perfectly perpendicular from the ground, it kind of gives that addicted feeling. Wonder where the world is heading!

P.S. - I did resist to put a comment via my cellphone after few thoughts :-)

Niraj Dhupia said...

That was hilarious…can’t stop laughing and the people around me in office are thinking I am a psycho;)

Ramesh said...

@Sandhya - Please don't don't talk to His Highness by texting or on Facebook !!!!!!!

@RamMmm - You are riding a tiger .....

@Vishal - Your boss belongs to the species called Homo Sapiens Blacberryitis !!!

@Niraj - Thanks. Lovely to see you here.

Anonymous said...

ROFL!!!!Simply superb!
How on earth do you come out with such things?!

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